Good morning, and welcome to the first day of the rest of your amazing life!
First of all, a hearty thank you from me, Vic Vanderbuck, to you, our valued and loyal consumers. Thank you for agreeing to testing trials for Water 2.0! I’m sure this is just as exciting for you as it is for us here at GeneSystems Health and Wellness Labs, the creators of Water 2.0. We’re so glad to hear about your interest in our amazing new product!
As you know, the human body needs water. We use it every day: in our foods, in our drinks, even in our digestive tracks! However, we here at GeneSystems dared to think the unthinkable, and challenge tradition. We said to ourselves, “Surely, there must be a better way!” and in a mere five weeks, we came up with a synthetic water replacement that’s sure to turn your life, and your health, around.
The Water 2.0 treatment started two weeks ago, when you came into our office and put your name on that dotted line. Ever since we removed all H20 from your body and replaced it with Water 2.0, we’ve thought of you as “family”, and we sure are glad that you’ve stuck around. Of course, as page 258 of tthe 316-page contract stated, you would be rendered into an unconscious state for roughly fourteen days for incubation and monitoring before being declared fit for living.
However, you may have some questions about what your body is going through. That’s understandable! Water 2.0 is a big change for your body, and you deserve to know what’s happening to you, even on a microscopic level.
The first question many of our participants have is “Why is my skin a dark, oily blue?” Well, the answer to that is chemicals. Lots, and lots, of chemicals that have been injected into your dermis as part of our monitoring period. This coloring helps our scientists understand what your body is experiencing while you are unconscious. Color changes help us carefully monitor your progress as Water 2.0 is installed. It’s completely harmless and disappears entirely within 5-7 weeks, so for the time being, enjoy your new and fashionable oily blue skin! As an added bonus, the mild glow-in-the-dark effect will remain for an additional three weeks after the color itself fades, so enjoy being the life of the party for a while.
On a side note, if any part of your body turns a vivid shade of green, please make an appointment with your nearest GeneSystems Health and Wellness Labs kiosk for a free cauterization.
The second question a lot of people ask is “Why do I feel as though my insides are sliding around like greasy pieces of meat in a grocery bag?” Well, that’s a side-effect of your new Water 2.0 body. You see, water does in fact have a small bit of friction to it. Basic science stuff, really. Water 2.0, however, is a near-100% frictionless fluid, similar to what astronauts use in their ballpoint pens. You may feel some degree of what our participants have referred to as “gut sloshing” from time to time, such as car rides and roller coasters. With time, this can begin to feel completely normal, and has even proven pleasurable to a certain like-minded subset of our participants.
On a side note, if you begin to suffer from persistent and uncontrollable arousal from “gut sloshing”, please make an appointment with your nearest GeneSystems Health and Wellness Labs kiosk for a 14-day trial of GeneSystems’ Arousal Sedative pills – free of charge!
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking yourself “Why haven’t they addressed the big issue?” Well, valued consumer, it is indeed time to discuss the elephant in the room.
You are, in fact, completely covered in your own feces.
Worry not! This is normal. Extremely normal, as a matter of fact, and is a healthy symptom of Water 2.0. You see, I did mention before that Water 2.0 is a near-frictionless solution, and one unfortunate byproduct of this efficiency is the terrifying speed at which your body processes – and eliminates – waste. Many of our participants look upon this as a bonus, though! Dieting and calorie-counting are now a thing of the past, since your body removes most food before it even has time to enter into the digestive process.
A small downside to this effect is the anal catheter that will be necessary to conduct day-to-day living, but a colostomy bag is – we think – a small price to pay for your new, and incredibly efficient body.
That just about wraps up most questions our participants have at this point, but before we end our little chat today, I would like to address one small detail – your sweat is now property of GeneSystems Health and Wellness Labs, so don’t go sweatin’ out company secrets, you hear? Ha, I kid, but in all seriousness, please collect and return all sweat and bodily excretion to your nearest GeneSystems Health and Wellness Labs kiosk for recycling, and allow 2-5 business days for shipping of replacement Water 2.0.
Well, that about does it! Thank you once again for agreeing to participate in the trial run of Water 2.0!
This has been Vic Vanderbuck, wishing a wonderful new life to you and yours.