Greetings, listeners! Gather to your radio near, as tales of horror you soon shall hear! Yes, it is once again time for Tales of the Otherworld! Some of you may have thought that, since our sponsor, Gary’s Footwear, left us last week, that the show would be caput, as so many characters in our stories seem to end up. Not so, dear listener! We have found a new sponsor, and we relish the thought of continuing for ages more, ever spewing dark auras from your living room radio. Now come, sit! We have an incredible tale for you tonight…
Hello, valued consumer! This is Vic Vanderbuck wishing all the best to you and yours in this exciting new stage of your life.
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Good morning, and welcome to the first day of the rest of your amazing life!
I take a sip from the white mug in front of me. Damn good coffee. I smile as I set it back down, basking in the complex melody of flavors singing on my tongue.
As a kid, I loved newspaper comics. Every morning at breakfast, I would open up the paper and eagerly consume each and every daily strip. Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes, Zits, and yes, even Garfield kept me entertained as I ate my Reeses Puffs and Oreo O’s.
A lot of the adult-oriented comics, like Doonsbury and Brenda Starr went right over my head as a kid. Spiderman was neat, but when he wasn’t punching anyone, the pace of the comic dragged to a crawl. Little me was not able to fully grasp most of what was happening. Which is a shame, because newspaper comics are completely insane.
I woke up, kicking the sheets off the bed so hard that the comforter decapitated the first of my attackers. The other two, brandishing long curved knives, were momentarily taken aback by this sudden and unforseen display of violence. I turned that to my advantage as I picked up a picked up the stack of throwing stars I keep under my pillow and, in one swift movement, managed to lodge all 14 of them in one of my assailant’s throat.
Everyone seemed to have one. They were the controllers that sat gathering dust in the cabinet while you used the controller that came with the system. You’d forget about them until a friend or younger brother showed up asking to play and then, as if summoned by an ancient and dark sorcery, they would appear: grotesque, bulging in strange places as if holding in an ancient and eldritch power, buttons stuck and joysticks overly sensitive. They came in all colors, all sizes, and for every system. They were the cause of fights, the oft-blamed reason for failure, and the utter confusion of every parent that ever bought one for their child.
They were as unusable as they were inescapable. And now, they are gone forever.
Well, it’s official. Microsoft has topped their ridiculously-named Xbox One with their newly-announced Xbox One X. Previously referred to as “Project Scorpio”, this new Xbox is 4K-ready, and costs $499. I want to find the guy at Microsoft who named this console. I want to look him dead in the eye, shake his hand, and say “thank you for for making this so easy.”