Thoughts on Breath of the Wild

More often than not, I don’t play a game to completion. I usually peter out around the 20 hour mark, sometimes far sooner than that (See: every monster hunter game I’ve ever put 3 hours into and then set down forever).

Spoilers ahead!

A Warning about Nintendo’s ARMS

I’ve got a confession to make: I didn’t really care for ARMS.

First real update

Ok, so hey, here’s a real update.

Crabs have harassed me my entire life

I was out at a bar the other night, and this fucking crab, he comes up to me, right? He tilts his shitty armored face backwards so that his eye stalks can look down at me with even more condescension than shows on his fucking stupid face.

What happened to Usenet?

Why does the phrase “Spam” describe useless messages? How did thousands of people share information digitally over a decade before the internet, as we know it today, came into fashion? More importantly, what if I told you that the dream of the internet as a free-for-all of collaboration, knowledge, discussion, and stupidity thrived well before we had websites dedicated to it?

This… was Usenet.

Kickstarter

“You don’t understand!” I screamed. “I kickstarted this game! I deserve a good game! I deserve it!”

My flabby arms flail against the steel door to no avail. I cut my right hand on the hinge, and somewhere in the back of my mind the word “tetanus” floats to the top, like the bloated carcass of a whale, before slowly sinking back down out of view. Forget the whale, I have bigger fish to fry.

Tech Support

My boss walks up to me. “Good work,” he says, “our numbers are up. Our customers have never been more upset with us than this past quarter.”

“Thanks,” I say. We fist bump. It kills me a little to be this painfully white. “I try.”

“About that,” he says, “you’ve actually garnered more negative reviews than anyone else on my staff last month.”

After the Infection

When the infection started, I thought it was some overblown hyperbole created by Fox news, or CNN, or whatever distrustful news agency to sell papers and gain viewers. I thought it was going to be like that ebola thing a few years ago. Hell, from the symptoms, I wasn’t sure I believed it was even real.

And then days turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into years. And those news agencies disappeared one by one, along with the people who watched them. Those people, turned into something I hesitate to describe as “alive.” At least, if they are alive, I hope like hell they aren’t introspective.

Heretic

I took a long drag on my cigarette, and wiped my right hand off on his jacket.

“That’s Armani, you piece of shit!” he screamed. I looked down at it. The blood had stained it, alright, probably was never coming out. It’s tough to grin with a cig in your mouth, but I manage, while leering down at him.